How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
