John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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