I didn't shave. On purpose
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
