imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
