Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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