dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
