she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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