Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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