I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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