in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
