Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
