im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Your cock deserves a montage
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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