Jerry, you need to find god
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Be still, my beating vagina.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
