I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
