you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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