the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
