After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
