mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
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