I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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