do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
