Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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