is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
