Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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