we made out on top of his cat.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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