She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Randomize
