I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
