a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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