my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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