I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
