i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I just found puke in my bra..
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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