He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
