That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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