Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You are a genius and a whore.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
