Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
