You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
