I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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