Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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