i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
