I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
