i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
