Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
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