for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
