You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
