I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
