I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
