Betty ford says i'm here all night
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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