Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
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