I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
