non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
