Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
