Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
